Worst Jokes Ever!!! - Huskytalk.com

**AlanI** · 04-24-14

Originally Posted by WildWilly

I have the utmost confidence that both Richard & AlanI can sink to new lows.

As difficult as it may be, one can but try.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

**AlanI** · 04-25-14

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered ....... THE TEETH.'

**Richard230** · 04-25-14

I wonder what is going to happen when Alan is no longer snowed in and he gets to ride his BMW instead of dreaming up nutty jokes?

**WildWilly** · 04-28-14

This is a newspaper article for a beef jerky making contest. I just wonder who judges this contest and what do the trophies look like?

**DWS** · 04-28-14

seems like a skill that would come in handy ...

**Roadpizza** · 04-28-14

OK….wait a minute. I see one old guy…38 entries Who is jerking who?

He's not the one who came up with this event is he?

**AlanI** · 04-28-14

Well I don't see an old guy - where is he? Oh you mean that guy second from the left wearing the glasses. Well he's only 23 years of age but all that jerking has aged him a lot, not to mention made him go half blind.

**Richard230** · 04-28-14

I say it is the old guy behind the tree and we should tax him.

(Just a few more days here in California and we will have made enough money this year to pay our State and Federal taxes. Now I have to start saving up for the local and property taxes.

)

**Discflight** · 04-28-14

Looks like it's the ladies lining up to take their turn competing

(and he's looking pretty happy about it!)

**Dooder** · 04-28-14

Looks like they came full circle to me...

**notacop** · 04-28-14

"Now I have to start saving up for the local and property taxes."

If you made as little as I do you wouldn't worry about taxes. If you'd not spend like a drunken sailor on payday you'd have enough to cover the problem!

I hate to think of what the neighbors pay in taxes vs what I pay on a house I bought 42 years ago. Prop 13, Howard Jarvis is the patron saint of poor home owners.

**Richard230** · 04-28-14

Originally Posted by notacop

"Now I have to start saving up for the local and property taxes."

If you made as little as I do you wouldn't worry about taxes. If you'd not spend like a drunken sailor on payday you'd have enough to cover the problem!

I hate to think of what the neighbors pay in taxes vs what I pay on a house I bought 42 years ago. Prop 13, Howard Jarvis is the patron saint of poor home owners.

I just renewed my membership in the Howard Jarvis Taxpayers Association today.

**notacop** · 04-29-14

The big stink of Prop 13 is that it somehow got lawyered into including corporate properties. We all know not much good comes from what lawyers can do when working for the monied crowd.

**Richard230** · 04-29-14

One thing that I know for sure is that if you have lawyers and money (and a Congressman or two in your back pocket), the tax system works great for you - and that is no joke.

**Roadpizza** · 04-29-14

Oh but, it is! And one of the worst jokes too…."The system is fixed and you ain't part of it.." Kurt Vonnegut

**TheMeteor** · 05-02-14

Seems like the jerky people derailed the jokes.

It was not lost on me either that they all have glasses.

**trevor** · 05-02-14

Alan must be on his Spring break?

Or his joke tank is empty?

**Roadpizza** · 05-02-14

How low can you go….?

**Richard230** · 05-03-14

I thought it was strange that a little discussion about taxes would completely derail the bad joke thread. I was wondering if there were no jokes that could top a tax discussion. I am still wondering about that.

It certainly seems to have scared off Alan. Was he a German tax collector who ran off because he thought his cover was blown?

We need more bad jokes to get this garbage truck started again.

**DWS** · 05-03-14

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside-down ...

**champers** · 05-03-14

Richard, that made me projectile-laugh a half-chewed bite of bagel loaded up with extra cream-cheese right into my computer screen. I came to this page specifically not to laugh. Bastard.

**champers** · 05-03-14

Originally Posted by WildWilly

This is a newspaper article for a beef jerky making contest. I just wonder who judges this contest and what do the trophies look like?

I just want one of those T-shirts. I think it would suit me perfectly, given my location and well known self-mastery.

**notacop** · 05-03-14

What could be more of a joke than our than our respective countries laws, bylaws and perks?
Friend of mine printed up tee shirts years ago that simply said, "Johnny Stinkfinger"

**WildWilly** · 05-04-14

**notacop** · 05-04-14

But, if they were made of Cararra marble they night be about to fail!

**AlanI** · 05-05-14

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

**WildWilly** · 05-05-14

I'm the rider on the left.

**Richard230** · 05-05-14

Well, it is about time that Alan returned. He must have run out of jokes and needed to visit the local bookstore for a new joke book.

Keep 'em coming, Alan.

**AlanI** · 05-05-14

Originally Posted by Richard230

Well, it is about time that Alan returned. He must have run out of jokes and needed to visit the local bookstore for a new joke book.

Nope - been away on a 5-day camping trip and with it pouring down the entire time so I've had plenty of time to dream up a few more.

This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome things I've read in recent years. Did you know that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness? That's really scary - it means that 75% are running around untreated.

**WildWilly** · 05-07-14

A guy joins a monastery to become a monk. He takes a vow of silence, sleeps on the floor, and eats gruel every day. After a year, the head monk tells him he gets to say 2 words in honor of his year of silence. Guy thinks for a minute and says "Food bad" Another year passes and the head monk gives him 2 more words to say. Guy thinks for a minute and says "Bed hard" Another year passes and the guy gets 2 more words. He thinks for a minute and says "I quit" To which the head monk says, "It's about time. You've done nothing but complain since you get here"

**WildWilly** · 05-07-14

Originally Posted by AlanI

Did you know that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness? That's really scary - it means that 75% are running around untreated.

That's why Mickey Mouse divorced Minnie. He found out she was fucking Goofy.

**Richard230** · 05-07-14

It is good that we are getting some bad jokes again.

Here are a couple of really old jokes bad jokes from California: What is orange and sleeps six? A CalTrans (state DOT) truck.

PG&E (our Northern CA electricity utility) stands for: Pacific, Graft and Extortion.

**Roadpizza** · 05-07-14

Pimping, Graft & Extorsion ….. I worked in the East Bay for PG&E…that was some of the better qualities.

**trevor** · 05-08-14

Oh we're on Monk jokes...

Three monks who have a vow of silence are praying at an alter.

Then one candle nearly burnt out starts to go

phut phut phut phut phut

In the end one monk cracks and says

"will somebody blow out that bloody candle.

The second monk then says

"oh you spoke you sinner!"

the third monks says

"well I'm the only one who has not spoken yet".

**DWS** · 05-08-14

**WildWilly** · 05-08-14

Originally Posted by trevor

Oh we're on Monk jokes...

Damnit Trevor!!! Just when I think I'm back in first place . . . . . . . . . .

**Richard230** · 05-08-14

That is a real stinker, Trevor. You may have won the bad joke award for today. Will anyone challenge him?

**AlanI** · 05-08-14

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

**WildWilly** · 05-08-14

**Dooder** · 05-08-14

What has green, yellow, and blue insides and hits your helmet going down the highway like Mike Tyson in a cage match?

I dunno either, but it's smeared all over the outside of my helmet.

Serious bug juice.

**WildWilly** · 05-08-14

**AlanI** · 05-09-14

Somebody mentioned 'joke book' a while back now so I blew the dust off my Gideons Bible and skimmed through it looking for inspiration. Here's something funny that I came across which just goes to show that good jokes can be found anywhere and everywhere - it's just a case of looking.

From Genesis: "And God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Having made the Earth round he's probably laughing his socks off now.

**trevor** · 05-09-14

Originally Posted by AlanI

Somebody mentioned 'joke book' a while back now so I blew the dust off my Gideons Bible

And I thought you had lost it in every hotel room I've ever stayed in.

**WildWilly** · 05-09-14

**notacop** · 05-09-14

"And I thought you had lost it in every hotel room I've ever stayed in. "

Actually, he's stolen the Gideon's from every hotel room he's stayed in!

**WildWilly** · 05-09-14

**Richard230** · 05-09-14

Originally Posted by WildWilly

The President is already there. He is at the Mountain View, CA, Walmart today and acting as a door greeter. All you now need is $32,200 to get through the door. My has Walmart gone up scale.

**AlanI** · 05-13-14

Wife "Where the hell have you been?"
You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
"Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason".
"Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
"Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.
She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.
It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5 : 30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!

**notacop** · 05-13-14

All wives should be so understanding! Honest honey, I really rode 300 miles and back for a burger!

**AlanI** · 05-14-14

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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