A man is visiting a farm when he sees a giant pig with three legs. He goes over to the farmer and says, "how come that pig has three legs?"
"Oh that be a special pig that one" says the farmer, "see that pig, three months ago, while I was coming back from the market I crashed my tractor into the ditch, and I was trapped under the tractor, under water. That pig jumped over the sty wall, ran down to the ditch, grabbed the tractor in it's teeth, pulled it off me, then pulled me onto the bank and gave me the kiss of life."
"Wow," says the man, "But how come it only has three legs?"
“See that pig?" says the farmer, "that be a special pig. Two months ago when I went to the market, my missus come with me, just in case I had an accident like. While we were away three ruffians came to the farm and attacked my daughters. That pig attacked the ruffians, pulled them away from my daughters, then got my shotgun and chased them across the farm, treed them, then waited till the police came and arrested them."
"Incredible, but why has it only got three legs?"
"See that pig, that pig’s special. Last month when I went to the market, my farmhouse caught fire, and my wife and daughters were trapped inside. That pig jumped over the sty wall, broke down the door, charged in to the burning house and dragged my unconscious wife out, then charged back into the smoke to get my daughter, and then again to get my other daughter, then he called the fire brigade, and gave my family first aid."
"Unbelievable, that's fantastic, but why has only got three legs"
"Well" says the Farmer, "Pig like that you don't eat all at once"
"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:
"No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with, Barclays, Lloyds, NatWest or HSBC?"
"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder
A man walks into the Pound Bakery to get a piece of cake. He has a look at the selection and notices one piece is marked £3. He asks the assistant "Why is this cake £3, when everything else is a pound?”
The assistant replies "Ah, that's Madeira cake".
"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'
"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder
Ralph, an American citizen aged 72, is visiting London for the first time.
He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public toilets
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.
Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the bobby's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"
"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy,
and does not come under English law
"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder
A Rabbi and a Priest are discussing matters on a street corner when a 12-year old boy walks past. The Priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey Rabbi, what's say we fuck that kid!?" The Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.
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