Worst Jokes Ever!!!

[trevor]

Tied for first OK I need to up the stakes....

Why can't a women with a wooden leg change a pound note?

Because she's only got half a knicker.

[trevor]

Is Warren Buffet's $1 billion dollar offer to anyone who could pick the winner in every game of the NCAA basketball tournament proof that no one on Earth at this time is capable of time travel?

Stephen

Or anybody who is capable of time travel does not need $1 billion dollars

Anyway there is no such concept of "at this time" if you are a time traveler.

Time travel can never been "invented" because somebody else can just go back in time and invent it before you. This is a classic catch-22.

[AlanI]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts “this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts “did anybody else here see my face?”

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter. He goes over and shoots him in the head.

“Did anybody else see my face? he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.

“I think my missus caught a glimpse”.

[WildWilly]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts “this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts “did anybody else here see my face?”

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter. He goes over and shoots him in the head.

“Did anybody else see my face? he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.

“I think my missus caught a glimpse”.

Damn!!! Just when I think you're out of the running for 1st place, you pull yourself back in. (Al Pacino in the Godfather movie that sucked)

[WildWilly]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, reached into her bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. The husband smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said the husband in an anxious tone.
She gave him a smile, hiked up her skirt, reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now" she said, "Have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" said the aroused husband.

"Go look in the garage"

[notacop]

These jewels flow out Like Henny Youngman's.

Ba--Dump!

[champers]

Can't remember if I wrote this one already, but...

Why do WASP women not like going to orgies?
Too many thank-you notes to write.

[stephen]

Trevor,

On my bike ride today it occurred to me that Warren Buffett could be a time traveler. That would explain a lot. He either could have gone into the future to see that no one took his money. Or, he could be baiting other time travelers looking for competition.

Stephen

[AlanI]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That’s right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis which is why I came here in the first place.”

[theworm]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That’s right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis which is why I came here in the first place.”

The ad @ the bottom of my screen was hilarious when I read this one. See attached screen cap.

[WildWilly]

[DWS]

Mrs Potato Head ...

[trevor]

A beautiful woman went

<<<cut....>>>>>

"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis which is why I came here in the first place.”

And who said the Germans have no sense of humour?

This is the joke I will be telling at work tomorrow.

[AlanI]

I was in an Indian restaurant last night and I tried curried pelican for the first time. It was alright.. but the feckin bill was enormous!!

[WildWilly]

I was in an Indian restaurant last night and I tried curried pelican for the first time. It was alright.. but the feckin bill was enormous!!

I ordered one off the dessert menu. Was served with ice cream and they called it

Wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it


Beaked Alaksa

[AlanI]

The home phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. He's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

[trevor]

OK I admit defeat.......

I'm a broken man.

Hail Alan

[WildWilly]

The home phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. He's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

This might not put you into first place, but you're way ahead of whoever is in 2nd place.

[Roadpizza]

A Bhuddist went to the dentist and refused novocaine for his treatment. He wanted to transcend dental medication!

[richarde1605]

Nice effort RP, but I don't think you have it in you....... ejected

[AlanI]

...................you're way ahead of whoever is in 2nd place.

I'm trying, honestly I am.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries
to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller,
and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...that's just
great.....some asshole's got my pen.

[trevor]

You win, You win

[AlanI]

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.
****************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of cheque book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake.

[notacop]

[trevor]

OK how about this. Which is fact rather than a joke but AlanI started it

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ulP6f9zXtTs?rel=0

[AlanI]

As it was my birthday yesterday me and the wife went out. It was supposed to be a treat but she dragged me round the shops. Anyway, come mid afternoon and now feeling somewhat hot and bothered we decided to stop at one of those posh ice cream parlor's. I pulled myself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool and, after catching my breath, ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts sir?'
'No,' I replied, 'Arthritis.'

[notacop]

Someone who isn't 6 thousand miles away go slap Alan!

[DWS]

you know, Alan, when you were single, and hot and bothered, I'll bet you didn't stop at one of those posh "ice cream" parlour's ....

[Richard230]

I love reading Alan's jokes, but I am not very good coming up with them myself. However, here is a nice little video which I believe belongs here. Be sure to watch it to the bitter end. (P.S. my daughter has three of these robot vacuums and fortunately chickens instead of a dog. )

https://www.youtube.com/embed/xWMkOwq2qIU?rel=0

[guidoveloce]

[AlanI]

Someone who isn't 6 thousand miles away go slap Alan!

Go on, admit it - you did at least have a little grin even though it might have appeared to all those around that you were suffering from a touch of wind.

[notacop]

We had a Rhumba, what a POS! When the battery died I shit canned the SOB! Women can buy the most useless products for far too much money. At least the women were the daughters and not the wife.

Alan, I mean a clout on the head in the most flattering manner! You are one funny schnitzel eater!

[DWS]

You are one funny schnitzel eater!

Which is a rare commodity ...

[AlanI]

Alan, I mean a clout on the head in the most flattering manner! You are one funny schnitzel eater!

and I took it as such - no worries. If I'd have taken you seriously I might have considered making future jokes funny.

[notacop]

What else can a Troll do?

[Roadpizza]

You've done a little trolling in you life, haven't you?………

[zjeppe]

Wife wants bigger rack.Rub it with toiletpaper says husband.How can this work?You did it for years on your ass and that worked

[trevor]

There was F800 rider call Alan
who at worst jokes was a <WTF rhymes with Alan?>

Oh freck I was never any good at limericks.......

[AlanI]

Stick with the jokes, Trevor, you're way out in front as the worst jokes teller of all time - in fact, probably before time began.

Anyway - the show must go on

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's arrived there then”

[DWS]

<WTF rhymes with Alan?>

Melon ... perhaps ...

[Roadpizza]

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

[notacop]

Please, God, Kill me now!

[trevor]

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says

"I'll have a G"
























"and T"

The barman says why the big pause.

The Polar bear says I was born with them.


(really needs actions to get the full effect)...

[DWS]

And that's the difference between men and women.

Crikey! ... It didn't take me as long to read War and Peace ...

[AlanI]

Grannies & Granddads.

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather. One day when he had a bad cold, Granny took the grandchild to school.

That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different than with granddad

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Granny and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today.

[notacop]

I think I just busted a gut!

[Loiner 1960]

Radio corrupts.
Absolute Radio.......

[AlanI]

Today's deep thought......

Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.

But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!

[Roadpizza]

Ain't it the truth…where is the dog around when you need him the most?

[DWS]

I always give the person next to me a dirty look when I fart in the elevator.
That way, only the one person knows it was me ...