Worst Jokes Ever!!!

[WildWilly]

What did the baby light bulb say to his mama? I love you watts and watts.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Dyslexics of the world untie!!!

I often miss my ex, but my aim is improving

If you're opposed to gay marriage, blame straight couples. They're the ones having all the gay babies.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.

[Richard230]

I take it that it is snowing in Iowa, Bill.

[ST404]

Then there was the dyslexic who shot a gun with his gnu

[WildWilly]

I take it that it is snowing in Iowa, Bill.

Actually it's 60 degrees and raining. I just try to get the jump on cabin fever and avoid the rush.

What do they say to a Harley owner who's wearing a suit and tie? Will the defendant please rise.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

Did you hear about the guy that was ticketed riding his motorcycle 165mph in a school zone? They sentenced him to work for Harley-Davidson. They wanted to get him as far away from motorcycles as they could.

[ST404]

Hardly Ableson

[DWS]

my jokes don't seem to work in this thread ...

[notacop]

Perhaps your jokes don't work anywhere?

[Roadpizza]

"Take my wife... please." - Henny Youngman.

[WildWilly]

"I just flew in from Vegas and boy are my arms tired" Henny Youngman, Bob Hope and hundreds of others.

[WildWilly]

Patient says to doctor, "Doc it hurts when I do this". Doctor says, "Quit doing it".

[WildWilly]

An elderly couple (anyone older than me) visit their doctor together. The doctor says "What's the problem?" The husband says, "We don't seem to enjoy sex as much as we used to". The doctor asks their ages and they're both in their 90's. The doc says,"When did you first notice this?" The wife says, "Well twice last night and once again this morning".

[notacop]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
I almost applaud these gems!

[WildWilly]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Enlightenment by Van Morrison
Don't quit your day job

[AlanI]

The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ...you hit her with the shovel.

[WildWilly]

AlanI: That joke is totally inappropriate, offensive and sexist. I loved it.

The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ...you hit her with the shovel.

[AlanI]

But you missed out saying - "it's also one of the worst jokes that I've ever heard, and I mean ever.

[WildWilly]

It's not the worst joke I've ever heard, but it has to rank in the bottom 10.

But you missed out saying - "it's also one of the worst jokes that I've ever heard, and I mean ever.

[DWS]

I new Alan would fit right in this thread ...

[Roadpizza]

This can't go on much longer without including a Knock, Knock joke....

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy wind blows de cradle will rock.

[WildWilly]

Guy walks into a tavern and sits next to a woman at the bar. He says to her, "Do you know the difference between a bj and a reuben sandwich?" She says, "No." He says, "You wanna do lunch?"

[TomCT]

In case we need a blonde joke:

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

[DWS]

Guy walks into a tavern and sits next to a woman at the bar. He says to her, "Do you know the difference between a bj and a reuben sandwich?" She says, "No." He says, "You wanna do lunch?"

If you're going to do food ... shouldn't you start a Liver-worst joke thread? ...

[AlanI]

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Doorbell repairman."

[WildWilly]

If you're going to do food ... shouldn't you start a Liver-worst joke thread? ...

[WildWilly]

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Doorbell repairman."

[WildWilly]

A tomato family is out for an evening stroll. Baby tomato keeps falling behind and Mama tomato asks Papa tomato to do something. He walks back to Baby tomato, steps on this head and shouts, "Ketchup!!!"

[Bcoli]

My favorite blonde joke: a brunette on one side of the river yells over to the blonde on the other side of the river and asks," Hey! How did you get to the other side of the river?!?"

The blonde yells back,"We'll duuuuuuuh! You're already ON the other side of the river!"


Sent from Motorcycle.com Free App

[AlanI]

http://youtu.be/8I3zCQzZx68

[Richard230]

http://youtu.be/8I3zCQzZx68

Finally, a Killer Joke.

[WildWilly]

Guy walks into a tavern and notices a huge jar stuffed with dollar bills. Bartender says, "Make my horse laugh and you win the jar." Guy goes out to the barn, whispers in the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing. Same guy comes in a week later and notices another jar stuffed with dollars. Bartender says, "This time you have to make my horse cry." Guy goes out the barn, closes the door, and when the door reopens the horse is crying like a baby. Bartender says, "I've gotta ask, how'd you make my horse laugh?" Guy says, "I told him I had one bigger than his." Bartender says, "How'd you make him cry?" Guy says, "I showed him mine."

[AlanI]

Make sure that if you're involved in an accident it's not with four little old ladies. http://youtu.be/TN8YQVM1GQI

[trevor]

Two Blondes walk into a bar.

You'd have thought one of them would have seen it!

[TelemarkTumalo]

Q: How does a Buddhist order a hamburger?

A: Make me one with everything.

[Roadpizza]

[DWS]

you know, the beauty of telling jokes on a forum full of senile old gits, is the old ones are new again ...

[TelemarkTumalo]

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do late at night?



A: Lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

[TelemarkTumalo]

Blonde goes into sex shop and asks to see the vibrators. The assistant says," certainly ma'am, have a look at the wall display over there and tell me which one you would like."
Blonde comes back to the assistant a half an hour later and says," I'd like the big red one at the end". "I'm sorry madam," says the assistant, "I'm afraid that's the fire extinguisher!"

[WildWilly]

Do you know why Baptists don't have sex standing up?


They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

[WildWilly]

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of the freezer case for hours?


The orange juice can said "concentrate"

[WildWilly]

When Richard Nixon was president, someone pee'd in the snow on the white house lawn and wrote "nixon is a putz" Nixon called in the head of the CIA and said he wanted the culprit caught today. Later that the day the head of the CIA told Mr Nixon that he had good news and bad news. Nixon said "What's the good news?" Head of the CIA says, "We did a urinalysis and it was Spiro Agnew" Nixon says "What the bad news?" CIA chief says "It's Pat's handwriting"

[DWS]

I like your style Bill ... you hit us with a flood of jokes until you get one that's actually funny ...

[Roadpizza]

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval office when his Press Secretary and PA walked in.

"Mr. President," said the Press Secretary. "Your new economic policies are not popular at all. people are losing their jobs and there are riots in many cities."
Though slightly shaken, the President composed himself. "We must pay the price for growth. The pain now will be rewarded with long-term recovery."

The next day they both walked in again.
"Mr. President," said the PA. "Al Qaeda have just released a tape saying that they will attack several US landmarks by Christmas."
George Bush shuddered. "We must have courage. We will not back down from the fight till the fight is won."

The following morning they walked into the Oval office again.
"Mr. President," said the Press Secretary. "Tony Blair has said he is going to pull out all of the British troops from Iraq. he says he won't be your poodle any more."
"If we have to stand alone..." stammered the President. "Then we will do it. We will not falter in the hour of... in this time of need."

When they walked in the next day, they found that George Bush had completely lost his nerve. His backbone had dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass.
"Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"
The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President." !!!.

[DWS]

Oh my dog that was bad ...

[WildWilly]

3 guys are trudging through the jungle, searching for the elusive foo bird. The foo bird flies over them and craps on one of the guy's head. The guy brushes if off and dies instantly. Foo bird flies over again and craps on the second guy's shirt. He brushes if off and dies instantly. Foo bird flies over again and craps on the last guy's shoe. He thinks the first 2 died because they brushed it off, so he trudges 20 miles to the river. He lets the water gently remove the foo crap. When the last bit washes off, he dies instantly too. The moral of the story?
If the foo shits, wear it.

[WildWilly]

I like your style Bill ... you hit us with a flood of jokes until you get one that's actually funny ...

one was actually funny? back to the drawing board

[WildWilly]

Johnny arrives at his farm house after a really bad day at school. In an angry mood, he tries to tip over a cow, kicks a pig and chases a chicken. When he gets to the farm house his Mother says, "For pushing the cow. you don't get any milk for a week. For kicking the pig, you don't get any bacon for a week. For chasing the chicken, you don't get any eggs for a week Now get up to your room and do your homework". Later that day, his Dad arrives home after a really bad day at work. In an angry mood, he chases a cat off the front porch. Johnny runs downstairs yelling "Can I tell him? Can I tell him?"

[AlanI]

CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS BEWARE

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into my supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!

[WildWilly]

Guy visits his doctor with the complaint that his p#n#s is sore all the time. 24/7. During the exam the doctor says, "First thing I've got to tell you is that you have to quit #####rbating". The guy says "Forever?" The doctor says "At least until I get done with the exam".

[trevor]

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do late at night?

A: Lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

I thought you was going to say spends the night on F800riders.org

[WildWilly]

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Drinks for everbody in the house and fix yourself one too." The bartender takes care of everyone in the crowded bar and pours himself a shot. The guy does this 2 more times and the bartender gets a little nervous as he has to cover any unpaid tabs. He says to the guy "You want to settle this tab now? It's over $400.00." The guy says "$400.00? I can't cover that, I'm flat broke." Bartender leaps over the bar, beats the crap out the guy and thows him into the middle of the street. Two weeks later the same guy walks into the bar and says "Drinks for everybody in the house." The bartender says, sarcastically, "What, you're not going to buy me a drink?" Guy says "Hell no! You get violent when you drink."