Worst Jokes Ever!!!

[Flook]

Seems to be holding at the mo

[Flook]

[notacop]

Just because...

"You're totally full of shit! You're all full of shit." 5 Easy Pieces

[oxytotl]

To keep fit, I've taken up quiet tennis.
It's like regular tennis
but without the racquet

[oxytotl]

Saw a guy on a unicycle at the ATM. He was checking his balance.

The mountains aren't just funny. Their hill areas.

[steve n rose]

Looks like I'll have to pull out some more groaners to keep up with you guys.

[Flook]

[Flook]

[Flook]

[Richard230]

Time to lighten things up a bit.

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a “DIET”coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World .......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in Packages of eight..

EVER WONDER
...
Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that
Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains? (Wool??)

Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (Could be. )

If flying is so
Safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Flook]

[Flook]

[Flook]

[Flook]

[Flook]

[steve n rose]

A boy tells his friend that he has a crush on his teacher. The second boy says, 'man, that is disgusting.' The first boy says,' what? Everyone has a crush on their teacher. ' the second boy says' Yeah, but you're home-schooled. '

[Richard230]

Another batch of cute and funny sayings landed in my inbox today:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?

Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to
take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[steve n rose]

My girlfriend broke up with me last week. She did it cruelly. She sent me a letter saying she ran away with a tractor salesman.
I was devastated.

It was the first time in my life that I had received a John Deere letter.

[steve n rose]

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and bashing your head repeatedly against a wall.

[steve n rose]

A slice of bread will always land peanut butter side down.
If, by chance, you put peanut butter on both sides of the slice, will it float for ever?

[steve n rose]

I went into a shop and said, 'Can anyone sell me a kettle?'.
The salesman asks,'Kenwood?'
I said,'Where is he?'

[steve n rose]

Two Seals walk into a club.

[steve n rose]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.

Well, it could happen!

[Richard230]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar.

Well, it could happen!

A joke like that almost got me banned in the R1200RS forum. Apparently the Irish are a protected group there.

[Flook]

Re post 25671. About Kenwood, just a side point. A chap called Kenneth Wood invented a mixer similar to those around today. He named his company Kenwood after his name (obviously) however, Kenneth Woods company was taken over by Sir Jules Thorn, who dealt in electrical goods. I used to work for Thorn Domestic Appliances repair among most thing Kenwood food mixers. I still have the service manuals for most of that stuff including how to service and repair refrigeration systems.

Flook

[notacop]

That's incredible. Of no value but incredible.

[steve n rose]

That's Flookie for ya.

[oxytotl]

Re post 25671. About Kenwood, just a side point. A chap called Kenneth Wood invented a mixer similar to those around today. He named his company Kenwood after his name (obviously) however, Kenneth Woods company was taken over by Sir Jules Thorn, who dealt in electrical goods. I used to work for Thorn Domestic Appliances repair among most thing Kenwood food mixers. I still have the service manuals for most of that stuff including how to service and repair refrigeration systems.

Flook

I met Sir Jules Thorn casually at a wedding in the 60s, he asked what I did for a living I told him I was a trainee TV engineer. I asked what he did - he said he was in television as well, I said that's interesting, an engineer or sales? He then told me who he was, I said sorry I work for Rediffusion, a rival company. We had a bit of a laugh about the irony, we were the top and bottom of the ladder!

[oxytotl]

Could we open up a new thread on this?

[steve n rose]

What, the 'Old Farts talking of old times' thread.

[Richard230]

Re post 25671. About Kenwood, just a side point. A chap called Kenneth Wood invented a mixer similar to those around today. He named his company Kenwood after his name (obviously) however, Kenneth Woods company was taken over by Sir Jules Thorn, who dealt in electrical goods. I used to work for Thorn Domestic Appliances repair among most thing Kenwood food mixers. I still have the service manuals for most of that stuff including how to service and repair refrigeration systems.

Flook

Speaking of refrigeration: My daughter just bought a new LG refrigerator a couple of days ago. She never reads instruction manuals and was complaining to me that the refrigerator was constantly making strange noises. So I told her to read the owners manual and see what it said about strange noises, which she did while waiting for her daughter to finish a dentist appointment (no more magazines due to the virus scare). It turned out that the refrigerator has an ice maker that was turned on although it was not hooked up to a water line. So apparently it was trying to make dry ice for the past few days. A review of the manual showed that pushing a button for three seconds would turn off the ice maker. That was the end of the weird noises.

[oxytotl]

Two days late

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[notacop]

You're killing me Larry!

[Richard230]

Here is the latest 2020 motorcycle safety helmet.

[oxytotl]

I injured myself measuring radio frequency yesterday.
It still Hertz.

What do you call a T-Rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer

Walking last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae and a cheesecake.
The streets were strangely desserted.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. Ten minutes after we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

To keep fit, I've taken up quiet tennis.
It's like regular tennis, but without the racquet.

The mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

Saw a guy on a unicycle at the ATM. He was checking his balance.

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.

Where does a boat go when it's sick?
The dock.

There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected.

Do you know how to improve the aerodynamics of a musicians car?
Remove the Dominos Pizza sign from the roof.

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now I have all Kenny Loggins

The man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun is now fully recovered.

If a knight in Prague dons his armor, does that mean the Czech is in the mail?

BREAKING NEWS: A recent poll by trump university shows him leading in all 72 states.

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[oxytotl]

[notacop]

Is Willy sending you emails with this stuff to post?

[MarkUltra]

Hahah, so bad

[Richard230]

The Muppets ride again.

[Flook]

Richard which one is you, I bet the RED one

[Flook]

Hi MarkUltra, introduce yourself and where you are, UK, USA, OZ, NZ.